Weeks Of Absence In One Post.

(My Dissertation Minutes Before Hand-in. A Proud Moment)

Its been a while since my last post, but this is not due to a lack of material, its due to a lack of time. In the weeks away I've handed in the single most important piece of university work, performed in multiple concerts and have been preparing for more essays, and more performances.

My university life is drawing to a close now, and to be brutally honest, I'm not f***ing happy about it. I love university, I like my friends here, I like having my thirst for knowledge quenched to the point of confusion, but more importantly I'll miss the places. The music block, where I've spent hours and hours singing and drumming, the library (where I've spent less time than anywhere else, but thats not the point) reading and learning. The chapel, where every tuesday for the past 3 years I've either watched or performed in the Lunchtime concert, and finally the students union bar. This place holds some of the fondest memories, no matter when it was, whether after after concerts and in betwixt lessons, times were always fun. Im so glad I know people in their second year so I can come back to visit and use their student status to visit my beloved university once more.

Enough of the sob fest anyways, I've got more annoying matters to attend to. First things first.

The Eurovision Song Contest. Now don't get me wrong, I watch it every year and I laugh my arse off at some of the s**t that perform, but it used to be funny because of the unbelievably politically incorrect comments Terry Wogan came out with. Graham Norton who took over from Wogan this year, was, to put it frankly, shit. There was no outright ribbing that would of been commonplace with Wogan.

Because of the lack of my mate Terry, I decided to make notes on all of the performances, as if I was commentating. So here is what I wrote. These haven't been edited from when I wrote them as the performances happened.

1. Lithuania - strange guy with a stupid hat - Shit.

2. Israel - Drummers playing biscuit tins - Shit.

3. France - Woman who sounded like she had a "FROG" in her throat. Pun definitely intended.

4. Sweden - Happiest but weirdest woman ever... POP-Opera with the Magic Flute-esq Queen of the night aria bit... White stage for chorus is a bit weird, can hardly bloody see.

5. Croatia - Huge pervert right off the bat. Crazy creepy smile. Keep your children away.

6. Portugal - Shit.

7. Iceland - A young, normal looking Girl... woah is it possible? Great voice. not a bad song. Mammoth backing singers though... PUT DOWN THE FORK!

8. Greece - Gayest Guy Ever... WORST ROUTINE EVER!!!!! - Shit.

9. Armenia - Sisters... Inga and Anush... An amalgamation of Shakira, The Corrs and Depeche Mode... weird... Strangely catchy...Everytime I Hear it back it gets better.

10. Russia - shit song...Weird that her face is all over the stage slowly aging. Disgusting.

11. Azerbaijan - boy and girl duet - very ricky martin. weird dancing/Gymnastics. Again... Shit.

12. Bosnia & Herzegovina - A Band - apparently have supported the rolling stones. Absolutely wank...REALLY WANK.

13. Moldova - Weird woman, good voice. Shakira style. Muppet men backing dancers. They look like there desperate for a pee. One bloke backing singer stood way back, with a huge spear thing. no idea why. Shit.

14. Malta - Voice sounds like the opposite of what she looks like. Michelle McManus springs to mind. Power ballad, not bad to be honest.

15. Estonia - a sextet of string playing ladies. Nice song, classical yet modern.

16. Denmark - written by Ronan Keating... Very stars in your eyes. Hes singing doing an impression of Ronan Keating... WHY?... Surprise surprise, Shit.

17. Germany - Dita Von Teese is on stage and gets down to her smalls... Gay electro/swing song...Lead singer has SILVER sparkly pants, For f**k sake... Awful scatting section... AND Tap Dancing! f**king tap dancing! Shit.

18. Turkey - Yet another Shakira/Beyonce wannabe. Shit song. Skimpy costumes... for Turkey... STANDARD!

19. Albania - Shit. Weird.

20. Norway - favourite to win... How?

21. Ukraine - Weird set...centurian dancers... Joan Rivers face, Shit.

22. Romania - Lovely ladies, but still poor.

23. UK - here we go...shit song. Powerfull voice but a bit too screechy.

24. Finland - I feel like I'm 14 again, one bloke rapping, 3 girls singing. Catchy dance song, nice harmonies. One of the best (of a REALLY bad bunch).

25. Spain - Weird dancers again. Rubbish song with stupid lyrics. "I wanna shake me, I wanna shake me".

Grow a pair Norton. You've got big shoes to fill, and sort your voice out. Muppet.

Moving swiftly on, I went to my local supermarket the other day to purchase some much needed food items. I went to the appropriate isles, collected the things I needed then proceeded to the checkout. The choice of which checkout would turn out to be my downfall. When I arrived at the checkout (The last one at the far back of the store, probably about a quarter of a mile from the entrance) the man was serving a girl in front of me. I thought nothing of it as I was texting my girlfriend at the time. The girl gathered her stuff and moved on, and I moved forward, "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeello" said the man, I looked confused for a second, whether I had dreamt his strange greeting, but he stared at me waiting for some sort of confirmation of it. I quickly muttered "Hi" to break the strange staring match, snap, immediately he proceeded to run all my items through the till. When he finished he told me the amount to pay and signaled to the chip and pin machine with no less enthusiasm than Vincent Price reading Edger Allen Poe. I mean for f**k sake, you work in a supermarket, your not Patrick Stewart doing Shakespeare at The Globe, get some perspective. He even folded the receipt in the most peculiar way, he looked at it for a few seconds before starting it. I thought to myself "Jesus christ, judging by the 'Enter your pin' performance he's gonna go at this hammer and tongs and make some sort of f**king swan out of it". Inside I was crying with laughter but on the surface I looked confused and slightly angry, I don't think he noticed to tell the truth, he probably gets it alot. Make no mistake I was gone before he could break into a parting song.

On monday afternoon/evening I went for a few drinks with the usual suspects from uni. Edric, Dave DB, Dave "Windbag" and Mark, or alternatively, Horse, Bull, Meerkat and Badger respectively. Sean and Phil (Sloth and Otter) were indisposed so were unable to make it. Needless to say, we had a great laugh, we were all half cut and DB was off his face on nicotine patches so that provided plenty of entertainment as well. We moved from a pub called The Last Drop Inn (which does a cracking pint called Guzzler, try it if you know where it is) to another old man pub called The Handsome Cab (which is a Samuel Smith's brewery pub, which means 2 things. Good quality and cheap). After a pint and 5 bags of Mini Cheddars for the badger, we were just about ready to leave, but previously the badger had told me about the prophylactic machine in the mens toilets and that I had to check it out (No idea why, he can be quite strange). But I was curious to what could of amused him so much, and behold, the answer lay before me.

Notice the amount of time taken to brand their product, oh wait, there ISN'T a brand, only the name of the company who owns the machine itself. Now I didn't purchase any of these, I wouldn't even bother out of curiosity, because quite frankly, a plastic shopping bag and an elastic band would do a better job than these "Super Lubricated Protectives". I thought the small piece of information on STI's was a nice touch too, nothing gets a mans juices flowing more than the thought of some genital disease.

As always I will leave you with a little slice of Youtube, and this week comes in the form of an A Cappella performance of a Randy Newman song by The Kings Singers. These guys are absolutely awesome and the whole performance is just top class. Enjoy.

Thanks always for reading. My next post might not be for a few weeks, but keep your eyes peeled.

Take it EZ

LW